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Sugar [26 Jul 2008|08:01am] I am watching my dog from my bed. She walked delicately into my room, after sneaking out while I was in the bathroom to do god-knows-what, with an oversized dog treat in her mouth. She didn't know I was watching, still doesn't know. First she went to a dirty pile of clothes, laid on it and tried chewing the treat. Realizing it was beyond her she picked as much of it up in her mouth as she could manage, walked confused but determined around my room stopping at the closet. I have a pile of blankets sitting in there from.. so long ago. She started digging, digging, and digging some more - but going no where. She disappeared into a corner where I couldn't see her and just now emerged - sans treat. I'm certain in 5 minutes she'll have no idea it ever existed. I'm going to wait a day and see if it's still back there - I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, for now. I love her. I am going to be lost without her. I love her more than anything else in this world loves her, and sometimes I'm sure she feels the same for me. She loves me no matter what. She doesn't care if I pass an exam, or if I'm being productive whatsoever. She only cares that I am here and I am with her. Whenever I walk out the door, she looks at me as if I'm abandoning her. I feel like I am. I wish I could take her with me everywhere (I might if she didn't have such a knack for smelling like crap). When I return she jumps on me (or tries) and hugs me. She hugs me. I love her. +

[14 Jan 2008|06:26am] I'm forfeiting sleep for an all-consuming Silverchair binge. +

[07 Dec 2007|05:05am] What happens when we don't figure out who we are, but we get so busy and we just grow older until one day when it's too late we realize that we never really had an identity? I swear, at the rate I'm going I'm never going to have time to find myself. Are we supposed to be found by now? Was that supposed to happen in high school? I don't think I ever actually feel anything I've written here when I go back later and read it. I hate every emotion I try to articulate upon later inspection. I reread what I wrote and I wonder how I ever could have been that stupid girl - even if it was just a week ago. I'm never satisfied with anything I do for very long. Satisfaction is fleeting. That, I can say with confidence. +

x2 [01 Jul 2007|04:29pm] There's never any appropriate way for me to start my thoughts when it comes to transferring them from mind to paper, or in this case to squares on a keyboard. My mind is racing but when it comes to actually putting it down I'm blank. My struggle is internal and for the past week, maybe two, I've been desperately trying to force it out. I'm the worst at saying what I mean, the way I mean it. When it's just me and my mind working together, fighting together, my thoughts make sense. They're fluid. When it comes to materializing them not only do I struggle in the actual process but I begin to rationalize, which is the worst thing to do. My thoughts shouldn't be rationalized; my actions maybe - but not my thoughts. I know what my problem is: not the cause or the solution; but I do know what I'm feeling. & here comes the rationale. I don't actually have any problems, at least nothing that should cause me to feel in such persistent turmoil, though that is too strong of a word for what I feel (from a rational perspective.) I'm a bored girl stuck in Southern California with nothing to fight for, so I create my own distress. That's what I know - but it's not how I actually feel. I do feel that I have reason to stress to fight and cry and throw things at the walls. This place is so static, my life is so static. I feel like I'm stuck in this box of unchanging environments and sentiments but internally I am so chaotic. My shell is pleading with my mind to calm down, to keep it in so I don't crack. But it truly does feel as if everything inward from my skin is one person and the rest is just a shell. I can feel the anxiety in my bones, pumping through my blood, in each muscle. I keep muttering to myself "I don't know" - I've said it more times this past week than I'd like. But I do know. I just know that you don't know. And that's the problem. No one understands, or if someone does understand then they aren't speaking up - but I'd like to think that if I understood another's unrest that I would let them know. I miss the past: when I knew what I wanted, who I was, and didn't care where I was going. I know that I am only 19 so people would say that I didn't actually know who I was then, that I didn't know anything because I was so young, that I'm still so young: but they are wrong. I did know; I did get it; I felt alive. And it's not that I want to go back to the past, because I don't. I want to progress, move forward: but I do want the clarity that I had. I love my friends now, but they're satisfied in this immobile bubble. I am not. I miss people who are restless just like me. I miss people who actually stay up the whole night long, who aren't satisfied with calling it a night after dinner and a movie. I don't need flashy things; I'm not looking for fireworks. Sitting in my backyard listening to music until 6am, watching the sun rise is good enough for me. Walking around the town with no destination or plans or money is good enough for me. Excitement doesn't necessarily mean explosions and car chases. I just want people who can relate, who understand. Who are restless and confused. And I want to be around them. +

[26 Jan 2006|01:37am] i'm so lost and scared, and i'm ready for something real in my life. i need something real. +

July 30th - July 31st [31 Jul 2005|01:45am] just typed a really long entry. just got deleted. go figure. i'll rewrite it tomorrow. 1 | +

i think you know the drill. [04 Apr 2004|10:13pm] Friends Only Name Username Comment Do you want me to add you? yes no 2 | +

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